Two jokes for Friday morning

Found here...

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver just can't stop staring at her. She asks him why. He blushes and stammers, but finally he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy about having a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, maybe I can do something about that... but let me think... two conditions: First, you have to be single and, second, you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver responds immediately: "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when the cab pulls back onto the street, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I must confess. I lied. I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

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...and here.

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. He sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and pulls the dog off the girl. It's a ferocious struggle, but the man finally succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who came upon the scene ran over and congratulated the man. "You are a hero," he says, shaking the man's hand, "I can see it now in tomorrow's papers: Brave
New Yorker saves the life of little girl."

But the man said, "I am not a New Yorker."

"No matter," said the policeman, still enthused. "Then tomorrow the papers will say 'Brave American saves life of little girl.'"

"But I am not an American," said the man.

"Oh, what are you then?"

"I am a Pakistani!"

Thus it was that, the next day, the headlines read: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."