and sent me emails in recent days:
You've provided me with tremendous comfort...
and more than a few smiles.
TO: Honorable Secretary of AgricultureThe mailbox here at Second Effort hasn't had anything that funny in it yet. I thought it amusing that "Liz Quintero" and "Rory Burnett" both wrote to tell me about the great prices for "soft tabs" of Viagra. It was certainly considerate of them to let me know about this, but I think these poor folks must have me confused with someone else.
My friend, Ed Johnson, over in Hawkinsville, Georgia, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, since the covenants on the property I recently purchased restrict the raising of any farm animals for commercial purposes and specifically prohibits the raising of any hogs, I figured my place is the best farm in Georgia for not raising hogs on. Therefore I decided that I definitely want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Johnson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. By the way, I don't think I will plant any cotton, soybeans, or rice this year either, so if you have any applications for them please be so kind as to slip them into the envelope so I can look them over if it isn't too much trouble.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?
News Item: Judge allows bail for astronaut charged with attempted murder in Florida.And it's a good line, which I wish I'd made up all by myself.
All together now: An astronaut who isn't a flight risk?
|You Are 12% Democrat|
If you have anything in common with the Democrat party, it's by sheer chance.
You're a staunch conservative, and nothing is going to change that!
|You Are 16% Republican|
If you have anything in common with the Republican party, it's by sheer chance.
You're a staunch liberal, and nothing is going to change that!