Thursday, January 18, 2007

From the mailbag

Not too long ago, I installed an email link in the Sidebar. All the cool kids seemed to have one, I noticed, so I wanted one too.

But, what to do with it? Well, there are weak jokes that I can make above the link which I'll change from time to time. The book contract remark is very weak; it'll be gone soon enough.

I know what I can't do with the mailbox: I will not ever solicit or respond to inquiries made specific legal services. Not that anyone reading this blog would do so silly a thing. I'm anonymous. I couldn't possibly help you, even if you were from Chicago where I live and practice. And my license ends at the borders of the State of Illinois.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'll share some of the things I get from time to time. If there's an idea or a topic you'd like me to discuss, I'm open to suggestion. I make no promises, warranties or guarantees of any kind, either to respond or about the responses I may make. All letters to The Curmudgeon are mine to do with as I please; if I do run with an idea you give me I will be pleased to provide attribution (unless, of course, you request otherwise).

Back in college, when we had a hole on a page and it was the wee small hours of the morning and the paper had to be at the printer by dawn in order to get distributed, sometimes we'd make up a letter to the editor. Or two. We were thouroughly versed in Monty Python. Sometimes one imaginary letter to the editor would respond to the one preceding -- a neat trick if both hadn't been made up entirely. I'm not promising not to make up letters if it suits me. Although I'm pretty lazy... and besides, I have great material to work with -- like this:

Royal Circus Casino - $777 Welcome Bonus !

Join now one of the best online casinos in the world :
* Over 45 advanced games .
* Huge Jackpots .
* Ongoing Comps .
* 24/7 Customer Support .
* Quick Download.
I feel very special to receive an invitation like this. Although I'd rather they just sent me the $777. Perhaps if I installed Paypal.... And then there was this email:

Dear Sir,

Have a nice day

MainMold is a manufacturer , supplying products for plastic flat sheets that have many colors and sizes .

Material:ABS , PS , PP, H.D.P.E. PVC. PET

Dimension: 1250mm*650mm

800mm*440mm

1220mm*610mm

~1500mm*3000mm

Thickness:0.25mm~30mm

We welcome your inquiries and it's our honor to provide quotations. Kindly send your models and we will reply ASAP.

Best regards,

Avy Chen

MainMold Technology Co., Ltd.

No.1 , Lane 476, HuaCheng Rd,

Sinjhuang City 242, Taipei County,

Taiwan.

Clearly this blog is starting to have a global reach -- and if I can ever think of a use for flat plastic sheets in my life, I now know exactly where to go. And if you order your flat plastic sheets there, be sure to mention my name; maybe I'll get a commission.

But my current favorite email has to be this one:
In confidence / Marcel

Hello Dear,

I am Mr Marcel Kuma from
sierra leone but residing in Ivory Coast in Africa. It is my desire to contact you on honesty and sincerity to assist me in transferring the sum of $8,000,000(Eight Million United States Dollars) inherited from my father late Mr. Kuma to your country for investment. I am motivated in contacting you and hope to gradually build trust, relationship and confidence in you as I get to know you better.

So please I want to know if you will be of assistance but first I want to get to know you better. I am willing to offer you $1,600,000(One Million Six Hundred Thousand
United States Dollars) for your effort input after the successful transfer of this money and investment. Indicate your interest towards assisting me by sending your phone # and address so that I can communicate with you at any time. I will be waiting for your response.

Thanks
Marcel
Marcel will continue to wait a long time. Poor man.

However, what a nice salutation -- "Hello Dear." If I were to respond, I suppose I should have to start my letter, "Hello Snookums." I don't know how we could fail to "build trust, relationship and confidence" if we start speaking to one another like this.

At least this letter is shorter than most of them.

14 comments:

Skittles said...

LOL! As I was reading this a spam email pooped up in my gmail!

Skittles said...

Or as some might say instead.. "popped"

The Curmudgeon said...

Barb -- I guess when you clean out your mailbox you really have to clean it out, eh?

sari said...

I keep getting emails asking me if I want to "be a hero".

Mostly the only emails I get for my blog email are spam, but oh well. Someday Bono might want to talk to me and he needs to know how to contact me so I leave it up.

Ellee said...

That's a useful link because sometimes I want to draw your attention to a post I've written that I feel you might be interested in and I dislike writing about it on your post. So well done, you are a cool Curmudgeon.

I hear that Big Brother business is on the front page of the New York Times today, that might be a good story for you to follow up. It's turned into a diplomatic nightmare.

The Curmudgeon said...

It's funny -- I heard the story on the radio this morning and I felt quite on top of the situation since I'd read about it on your blog!

Scope said...

Incredible traffic. I wonder how to generate that... :)

Skittles said...

I TRIPLE DOG DARE you to do that underwear quiz AND post it on your blog! (Snicker.)

Lahdeedah said...

Just spare us the chain emails, or the heart-rending story emails 'reminding' you what's important in life, and then sending it on to ten lucky friends who you value... aaargh.

cmhl said...

I never get spikes in my traffic for some reason, perhaps I need better keywords.. hmmmmm....

so, I'll assume you're pulling for the saints? ha.

East of Oregon said...

who invented spam anyway? I'm thinking it was some bored law student.

Sarge Charlie said...

Dear Sir

I would like to offer you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a bridge business, you purchase one to show you friends and they will buy others from you at a 90% profit.

Get your check in the mail today. Do not miss this opportunity.

Bridges Unlimited

No_Newz said...

I guess I should work on getting on of those cool kid email things! All I ever get offered is Prozac from India. I wonder what they are trying to tell me... :D
Have a great weekend!

Cynthia Bostwick said...

A judge I worked for not too long ago was fairly new to the idea of email. Usually, he'd have his secretary retrieve his mail and print it out. I found this out when I asked him by email why he didn't fire her sorry ass. Not in those exact words.

Anyway, one morning he came storming into my office. "I think you should contact the State Court Adminstrator. Why would I, a ___ court judge, get an email like this? How did he get my address?"

It was the letter from Marcel.