Curmudgeon dabbles in shameless cross-promotion

I received an email from Susan Harris, a blogger whose on-line empire includes, inter alia, Boomer Turn-Ons. Her posts have cropped up several times in Jay Harrison's ezine BoomSpeak. Most important (to me, anyway), Ms. Harris left an actual comment on one of my recent posts.

I really like comments. (That is to say, I really like comments that are not spam or robo-comments. You can't expect a lawyer to make an unqualified statement, even in a personal blog, can you?)

But to return to Ms. Harris and her recent email. She was circulating a story proposal, looking to entice features editors stuck for story ideas into writing about the growing phenomenon of "Boomer blogs," that is, blogs written by, for and about persons of a certain age.

The strength of this proposal is obvious. Persons of a certain age actually read newspapers. The downside, sadly, is also obvious:

But if a story appeared in the newspaper, hesitant boomers might flock to the Internet... if only to look around at carefully previewed, safe sites.

Ms. Harris suggested I alert my "media contacts" about the idea.

But that's a problem. I'm an anonymous blogger. The good news about being anonymous is that no one knows where to send the Sheriff with the summons. The bad news is that no one also knows where to send a check. And while I actually do have some media contacts -- OK, a couple of reporters accepted my Facebook friend request (submitted in my actual name)... and a couple of others didn't reject me out of hand -- I am obliged to admit that, even in real life, I'm not exactly well connected with the 'dead tree media.'

Maybe if I didn't call it that....

Still, I wish to get in the spirit of Ms. Harris' venture. Let me pass on her suggestions by quoting liberally from her press release. (Don't you wish professional reporters admitted when they did that?) Ms. Harris provides this list:

Overview of Blogs aimed at Baby Boomers

The big guns

· AARP has professionally written blogs on every topic. http://blog.aarp.org/

· NBC Digital launched a family of “Life Goes Strong” blogs in May of 2010. They cover Play, Work, Life, Tech, Family, Style, Home, etc.

Magazine-format blogs

· Boomer Café, written by seasoned newsmen Greg Dobbs and David Henderson, began way back in 1999.

· Boom Speak is an ezine for Boomers who like to think they’re still edgy, by graphic designer and author Jay Harrison.

Individual blogs with unique voices.

· Going Like Sixty is smart and funny, penned by recently retired publisher Mark van Patten, now chronicling his move from Kentucky to Costa Rica.

· Boomer Turn-ons covers the TV, music, technology, second careers, etc. that are turning on a DC-based ex-hippie-turned-corporate-blogger and her friends.

· Baby Boomer Daily covers Boomer culture, politics and celebrities. Terry Hamburg waxes nostalgic about the cultural waypoints that Boomers experienced.

· Bodacious Boomer is also irreverent and funny, by a Texan.

· GeezerSisters is written by Ruth Pennebaker, author of Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.

· AgingHipsters.com, begun in 2003, is the granddaddy of Boomer blogs.

· Second Effort is the work of a Chicago “Curmudgeon” who defines himself as “a dinosaur” and “an Ozzie and Harriet person living in an Ozzy and Sharon world.”

· Boomer Chronicles is written by a Boston-based journalist, self-described feminist and lesbian.

Single-topic blogs

· Dirty Hippie Radio covers music.

· Boomeropia is about travel for Boomers.

· Boomers Offshore is for Boomers living outside the U.S.

· HappyHealth.net is about aging, not specifically Boomers.

· The Survive and Thrive Boomer Guide covers consumer choices.

Boomers blogging to showcase their services

· Boomer Tech Talk, written by social media professionals, has excellent content.

· The Savyy Boomer covers all types of marketing to Boomers.

· Lots of Boomer blogs are written by life coaches and counselors. Examples are Feisty Side of Fifty, Retirement as you want it, Contemporary Retirement, So Baby Boomer, Midlife Crisis Queen and BoomerLiving.com.

It's nice to be listed among such accomplished writers and with such distinguished sites.

Technical note: If this list comes up as gibberish, it's because I imported it from a Word document. And I'm a WordPerfect guy. I will press publish now and see what happens....

Update: I think all of these links are live now... including some where the links don't look like links. I'd try and fix that, too, but that seems beyond my technical ken on a busy morning.

An apolitical mailbag post today: Curmudgeon attracts foreign correspondents?

I have these dreams, of course, of becoming world famous because some publisher or book editor or literary agent finds this blog... a drop in the teeming ocean the covers the Blogosphere... and somehow anoints me as the Next Big Thing.

In my more rational moments I realize that this is virtually impossible; my chances of winning the lottery are probably much better. I even quoted (in a this 2006 post) author P.N. Elrod -- who was quoting author Rachel Caine: "Posting your novel (or blog) on the 'Net in the hopes that a big-time editor (or agent) will see it is like writing the perfect résumé and then tacking it to the front door of your house, hoping your future boss will walk by."

2006: This was during my stalking-authors-I'd-never-read period on the Internet.

But, anyway, my slumbering dreams of Internet fame were rekindled, just a bit earlier this week, when I got an unusual comment on my July 10 post about my apprehensions of dealing with the photographer at my daughter's wedding.

See, the comment wasn't in English. So I could invent just about any meaning I wanted for it. Here it is:

出会い said...

即ハメセレブは完全無料でご利用できる出会いコミュニティです。今までにない実績で、あなたの希望に合った人をお探しします。毎月考えられない豪華なイベントを開催しているので出会いを保障します

Now, if there's anything in the above and foregoing that is scurrilous (as the late Mayor Harold Washington used to say) I apologize deeply. I admit that I don't understand a word.

I know blog pages can be read in translation... but most of my posts barely work in English. I can't imagine how they'd read in machine-translated... what? Japanese? Korean? Chinese? In my ignorance I am not even sure of the language in which the comment was written.

The name of the commenter was linked... so I clicked on it... and the web page that loaded had flashing symbols I couldn't read and pictures of six girls... Asian girls, and not in lurid poses either. It looked like you might click on any of the pictures. I did not.

Nevertheless, the thought occurred to me that perhaps this was not a comment from a new fan in Asia... but possibly spam. Maybe even spam for some sort of, um, er, adults-only type site.

Have you ever thought about how inappropriate the term 'adults-only' is? At least in how it's usually used, the term refers to places... websites... magazines... movies... where we can momentarily satisfy our juvenile curiosities, or our carnal cravings... which sure isn't very grown-up when you think about it.

But I digress.

I left the comment in place -- no sense offending a new fan even if I couldn't understand the comment -- and, a couple days later, there was another one:

救援部 said...

夏真っ盛り！女の子は開放的な気分で一人Hしたくてウズウズしてるっ！貴方は女の子のオ○ニーを見て気分を高めてあげてネ！もちろん、お手伝いしてもオッケーだよ！さぁ、今すぐ救援部にアクセスしよっ

Now it's possible,of course, that 救援部 was registering agreement or disagreement with the opinion left by 出会い about my post. But now my doubts were growing.

This time I didn't even click on the linked name. Less than 24 hours later came this comment:

メル友 said...

プロフ作成記念に嬉しくなって写メも載せちゃいましたぁ。皆さん見てください。できればメールの方に感想なども欲しいなぁ！夏休みなので暇してます

There was also a web address provided in Western characters. I chose not to copy that here.

Don't bother looking for the comments in situ. I've deleted them all. My fear of carrying spam links trumped my hopes of conquering the vast Asian blog-reading market.

Another opportunity lost to cowardice?

An outrageous new right-wing video? Curmudgeon reports -- you decide

I got something in my email this morning that I thought was worth sharing: You'll have to click on this link to get to the .swf (x-shockwave-flash Object) movie. My technical skills are insufficient to put the movie here on this page.

I was able, however, to pull a screen shot to give you some incentive to click:

Looking at the screen shot, perhaps you're thinking that this little movie originated with some conservative group, maybe even some group affiliated with the likes of Rush Limbaugh.

Start watching the movie and you may become certain of it: There are references to National Health and to the nanny-state's willingness to impose limits on what we can eat.

Spoiler Alert! * * * Spoiler Alert! * * * Spoiler Alert!

Have you watched the movie yet? Because I'm aching to tell you the source of this very inspired piece of political satire... and I want to make certain you've satisfied yourself that this has to be the product of those darned negative Republican crazies... maybe even the product of "birthers."

OK?

That little movie was put up by the ACLU.

That's right... the American Civil Liberties Union.

Of course,judging by this link, the clip was put up around five years ago or so. The accompanying text warns:

The government and corporations are aggressively collecting information about your personal life and your habits. They want to track your purchases, your medical records, and even your relationships. The Bush Administration's policies, coupled with invasive new technologies, could eliminate your right to privacy completely. Please help us protect our privacy rights and prevent the Total Surveillance Society.

The screen urges you to become a card-carrying member of the ACLU.

You see, there's more common ground among Americans than our political leaders and our media tastemakers... Left and Right... understand. That's because they're not on that common ground with most of the rest of us. We want to maintain our personal autonomy, our right to remain anonymous -- our privacy. The Bush people attacked that from the standpoint of "homeland security" -- the Obamaniacs are coming at us down the national health road. But our cherished autonomy and freedom winds up in the dumpster either way: This, I'm sure, is one reason why Mr. Obama is having trouble selling the country on his health care plans. The current political parties offer no meaningful alternatives... just different means to arrive at the sorry end depicted in this funny-except-it-might-come-true movie.

Do you really want to give 110%?

This was in my email recently and I thought it was worth sharing. Of course, I had to check the figures first....

NB: The language in today's post is slightly coarser than usual -- but apparently consistent with prime-time TV standards. Sadly.


What constitutes 100% effort? Have you ever wondered about those people who claim they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to meetings where someone has exhorted us to give more than 100%... what are they really asking of us? How can we achieve 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K may be represented as 8-1-18-4-23-15-18-11.

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

Got the pattern?

Well,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.

However,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T =

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G =

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

Thus, we can conclude, with mathematical certainty, that hard work and knowledge will get you close, but it's attitude that will take you to 100%. To get more than 100% you need to engage in bullshit or ass kissing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The individual who sent me this email advised that he got it from two math teachers who, together, have nearly 70 years of teaching experience. So it must be true, right?

New Illinois license plate design unveiled

Well, at least that was what I understood from the email I got yesterday. Maybe it's still in the proposal stage....





(Click to enlarge.)

A little joke about the ups and downs of life

We all get jokes and chain letters and solicitations from the widows of Nigerian generals in our email and I seldom trouble you with any of mine. I realize, by the time I see them, you've probably seen them too. And, of course, most of the stuff we get wasn't worth sharing in the first place. But I've had two in the last week or so that were worth sharing and, in this post, and the one below, I'll do just that.

First up, a redneck joke:

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city and they went to a shopping mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idee'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy... go gitcha momma."

From the mailbag, part two -- the 10 year old blues

Caution, this one is rated PG-13.


A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," cried the boy, bursting into tears.

Confused by this reaction, the father asked the boy what was wrong.

In between his sobs, the boy answered, "Dad, when I was six you gave me the 'there is no Easter Bunny speech.' When I was seven you told me there was no Tooth Fairy. When I was eight, you told me there is no Santa Claus." Fighting for control, the boy blurted out, "Look, Dad, if you're gonna tell me now that grownups really don't get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

From the mailbag: A picture that says what I think I might think about the Wall Street Bailout were I adequately informed

I received a picture in my mailbox this morning; you may have already seen it. (I don't generally get in on the ground floor of the trends.)

But I think the picture just about sums up my preliminary feelings about the Wall Street Bailout Bill.

Why "preliminary" you ask?

Because I haven't read the bill. I haven't studied it. This link will take you to a Government Printing Office site at which you will find what I believe is the version of the Bailout Bill passed by the Senate and back in the House today. It's 442 pages long.

The so-called Bailout Bill covers a lot more than just putting money into Wall Street to get credit moving again. For example, the bill would repeal a 43 cent excise tax on wooden arrows -- you know, bow and arrow, cowboys and Indians arrows? Seriously. The bill, as amended, now bails out Wall Street and youth archery programs. And just in time, too: When the economic collapse is through, we may all need to take up bow hunting in order to keep eating. (Hat tip to Some Have Hats.)

For a politician, crisis creates opportunity. Just like a riot creates opportunity for looters. Or like a big distraction creates an opportunity for pickpockets. Just like. So... while everyone's wringing their hands over the necessity of doing something to save the economy, politicians are figuring out how to sneak their pet projects past the unsuspecting public. As with the wooden arrow excise tax repeal.

Who knows what else is in there?

Nevertheless, I am certain that some sort of relief is necessary to keep the banking system afloat. We should save the system, then jail the bankers and mortgage brokers and everyone else whose bank fraud brought us to this pretty pass. So, I guess, this makes me sorta, kinda on the side of those who seek a bailout. (Just -- maybe -- probably -- not this one.) Anyway, to the picture in my email this morning:



It's so nice to realize that our elected officials in Washington are taking care of us. Democrats and Republicans alike. And I do mean taking care of us: About like Tony Soprano would.

Blackwell: Obama not the Anti-Christ

Kacey, of Cookie's Oven, was kind enough to send me a copy of a letter about Barack Obama that had circulated into her email the other day, inquiring whether I'd seen it. I had not -- and I am grateful to her for passing it along.

What Kacey sent me was supposed to be a column by Ken Blackwell, an African-American Republican, that appeared in the New York Sun. I was unfamiliar with Mr. Blackwell or the Sun but, as you will note if you follow the links, the person and the paper do exist.

Still, as I read the letter, I knew where I'd have to go next: Snopes.com, the best source I know of for tracking down Internet rumors and fabrications.

Sure enough, there was a link regarding this Blackwell "column". But before going further, let me give you the text of the "column" as Kacey received it:

Subject: A Black Columnist on Obama

Ken Blackwell - Columnist for the New York Sun

It's an amazing time to be alive in America . We're in a year of firsts in this presidential election: the first viable woman candidate; the first viable African-American candidate; and, a candidate who is the first front-running freedom fighter over 70. The next president of America will be a first.

We won't truly be in an election of firsts, however, until we judge every candidate by where they stand. We won't arrive where we should be until we no longer talk about skin color or gender. Now that Barack Obama steps to the front of the Democratic field, we need to stop talking about his race, and start talking about his policies and his politics.

The reality is this: Though the Democrats will not have a nominee until August, unless Hillary Clinton drops out, Mr. Obama is now the frontrunner, and its time America takes a closer and deeper look at him. Some pundits are calling him the next John F. Kennedy. He's not. He's the next George McGovern. And it's time people learned the facts.

Because the truth is that Mr. Obama is the single most liberal senator in the entire U.S. Senate. He is more liberal than Ted Kennedy, Bernie Sanders, or Mrs. Clinton. Never in my life have I seen a presidential frontrunner whose rhetoric is so far removed from his record. Walter Mondale promised to raise our taxes, and he lost. George McGovern promised military weakness, and he lost. Michael Dukakis promised a liberal domestic agenda, and he lost.

Yet Mr. Obama is promising all those things, and he's not behind in the polls. Why? Because the press has dealt with him as if he were in a beauty pageant. Mr. Obama talks about getting past party, getting past red and blue, to lead the United States of America. But let's look at the more defined strokes of who he is underneath this superficial 'beauty.'

Start with national security, since the president's most important duties are as commander-in-chief. Over the summer, Mr. Obama talked about invading Pakistan, a nation armed with nuclear weapons; meeting without preconditions with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who vows to destroy Israel and create another Holocaust; and Kim Jong II, who is murdering and starving his people, but emphasized that the nuclear option was off the table against terrorists - something no president has ever taken off the table since we created nuclear weapons in the 1940s. Even Democrats who have worked in national security condemned all of those remarks. Mr. Obama is a foreign-policy novice who would put our national security at risk.

Next, consider economic policy. For all its faults, our health care system is the strongest in the world. And free trade agreements, created by Bill Clinton as well as President Bush, have made more goods more affordable so that even people of modest means can live a life that no one imagined a generation ago. Yet Mr. Obama promises to raise taxes on 'the rich.' How to fix Social Security? Raise taxes. How to fix Medicare? Raise taxes. Prescription drugs? Raise taxes. Free college? Raise taxes. Socialize medicine? Raise taxes. His solution to everything is to have government take it over. Big Brother on steroids, funded by your paycheck.

Finally, look at the social issues. Mr. Obama had the audacity to open a stadium rally by saying, 'All praise and glory to God!' but says that Christian leaders speaking for life and marriage have 'hijacked' - hijacked - Christianity. He is pro-partial birth abortion, and promises to appoint Supreme Court justices who will rule any restriction on it unconstitutional. He espouses the abortion views of Margaret Sanger, one of the early advocates of racial cleansing. His spiritual leaders endorse homosexual marriage, and he is moving in that direction. In Illinois, he refused to vote against a statewide ban - ban - on all handguns in the state. These are radical left, Hollywood , and San Francis co values, not Middle America values.

The real Mr. Obama is an easy target for the general election. Mrs. Clinton is a far tougher opponent. But Mr. Obama could win if people don't start looking behind his veneer and flowery speeches. His vision of 'bringing America together' means saying that those who disagree with his agenda for America are hijackers or warmongers. Uniting the country means adopting his liberal agenda and abandoning any conflicting beliefs.

But right now everyone is talking about how eloquent of a speaker he is and - yes - they're talking about his race. Those should never be the factors on which we base our choice for president. Mr. Obama's radical agenda sets him far outside the American mainstream, to the left of Mrs. Clinton.

It's time to talk about the real Barack Obama. In an election of firsts, let's first make sure we elect the person who is qualified to be our president in a nuclear age during a global civilizational war.

Now -- to this point -- we have opinions and conclusions with which one may agree or disagree. There are arguably some factual distortions and exaggerations. But there are also some facts here: For example, Mr. Obama is pro-abortion. It may well be true that to rise in Illinois politics one must completely embrace an extreme "pro-choice" position, where any restriction on the destruction of unborn human beings -- any restriction, at any stage of a pregnancy, under any circumstances -- despite the marvelous advances of medical science in prenatal and neonatal care since Roe v. Wade -- must be reflexively dismissed as reactionary and unthinkable. (For example, when Mr. Obama's senior colleague, Dick Durbin, then a member of the House of Representatives, decided to seek a Senate seat, he sloughed off his earlier somewhat pro-life positions and embraced with open arms the entire "pro-choice" agenda.)

But the email that Kacey sent was not yet concluded. There was more:

Subject: Kind of scary, wouldn't you think Remember--'God is good, and is in time, on time, every time.'

According to The Book of Revelations the anti-christ is:

The anti-christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal....the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is this anti-christ,.......... OBAMA??

I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost with this email as many times as
you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet...do it! If you think I am crazy,. I'm sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the 'unknown' candidate.

This is not from Mr. Blackwell's original column. And, when you break it up, as I've done here, you can see this more readily. But that's not the way it's going around the Internet.

But how do I know for certain that this second part is an add-on? Because Mr. Blackwell himself says so, in this April 17, 2008 follow-up column. He says, "While I am happy to know that volumes of people have read my work, the bad news is that the last few paragraphs were someone else's words and work." He points out that Revelations was written hundreds of years before the birth of Mohammed. (And you'll find discussion of this very point on Snopes.com.) Blackwell's April 17 column concludes:

I don't intend to passively let a pirate of the Internet distort my commentary.

With freedom comes responsibility. When we exercise our right to speak, we should do so honestly, transparently, and prudently. We owe that to our readers and the integrity of the Internet.

It is inevitable that such hijacking, distortions, and abuses will happen on the Internet. It is just part of learning what it means to have this powerful new frontier available to us to speak and advance ideas. And as we do, we all share the duty to use it responsibly.

Though the Founders could never have envisioned the Internet, our responsible and honest use of such a powerful forum would make them proud of the nation they created.

You may agree wholeheartedly or disagree violently with what Mr. Blackwell actually wrote about Senator Obama. But, in my opinion, it's kind of hard to argue with the idea that we need to be responsible in our use of the Internet.

Chasing down another spam email

I haven't used this "mailbag" graphic in a while.

It's not that I don't get interesting email -- or funny spam -- it's just that it can become... repetitive after awhile.

But I couldn't resist this one (click to enlarge):


"Because of unusual number of invalid login attempts on your account, we had to believe that, their might be some security problem on your account."

Kids: Here's a reason why we keep harping on you to learn basic English grammar. If you don't know the difference between "there" and "their" you might be taken in by the pirated corporate logo. If you failed to recognize the many errors in this email you might be lulled into a false sense of security by the almost-but-not-quite-quoted-accurately privacy and security language used in the boilerplate section of the email... and you might actually click on one of the response links laid out for unwary recipients.

What will we do, though, when the Nigerian generals' widows learn proper English?

And on a lighter note: Dancing chimps. Riverdancing chimps.

Not all the world's scientists, it seems, are working on the great issues of the day.

Take those in this lab, for instance.

Stem cell research breakthroughs and dancing chimps: You never know what you'll get at Second Effort.

Happy Halloween

I wonder if this would deter any would-be eggers.

Seems pretty scary to me. (Another picture from the mailbag.)

And here's two pictures that I took of the Daley Center Plaza a few days back, all decorated for the holiday. I posted another one showing the fountain -- and was surprised at the negative reaction:

These buildings are temporary -- they'll be gone before the end of the week....


This will be replaced by the sheds for the Christkindlmarket, which will be open by Thanksgiving... and then there'll be a giant Christmas tree... and Santa's House, too.

But more about that... in season. May the Great Pumpkin visit your pumpkin patch.

Seasonal picture... from the mailbag

This came with lots of others, actually, but this is about the funniest.

Well, the funniest one that isn't, uh, gross. Or risque....

Not seasonal, you say? Look again, please.

I may get to those other ones later....

Don't blame me for this one --

Bennie, of Ben and Bennie, left this off-topic comment to yesterday's post: "No gloating over the Cubbies loss? I'm severely disappointed!"

I hate to disappoint anyone -- but I didn't want to be accused of being a "hater."


On the other hand, I got this video from both Oldest Son and Middle Son in the past week, so I suppose I have to share it....


And since we're sharing -- well, here's another one I got in the email:

Now, tell me, honestly: Does the rivalry of the Yankees vs. Red Sox or Yankees vs. Mets or Giants vs. Jets even come close to the rivalry of White Sox vs. Cubs?

I'm starting to think this may be as good as it gets for me, too

Even though I actually know better.

Stumbled on at this site
(from a very strange site called Married to the Sea).

It's just -- I get these crazy letters so often now.

For a couple of weeks there, I was getting them in French.

(I wish I spoke French so I could see if the letter writers' grammar was any better in that language than in English....)

And the letters are just so darn friendly. Like the one I got just this morning:

Dearest One,

I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through a profile that speaks good of you. I want to find out if it's possible for you to deal with individual as to investment.

I came across your profile and I feel it's highly reputable that is why I pick an interest getting across to you in respect of investment at my disposal. I will be so glad if you can allow me and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.

I am Sandra James 22Years Old Lady from (cote d ivore) ,the only daughter of Late Micheal James , My father is now late he was a well known cocoa and gold merchant business man in my country( cote d ivore) ,he was poisoned by his co-business partner a year ago.

The main reason why I am contacting you now is to seek your assistance in the area of my future investment and also for a help hand over some huge amount of money in my possession.

This fund (US5.6 Million dollars) is deposited in a bank in my country in (cote d’ivoire) a years ago by my father he made me the sole beneficiary.I am now asking you to stand on my behalf,to stand as my partner and in time of the claim and investment as well. I have made up my mind to offer you 13%of the total money while the remaining will go into a productive investment.

Pls attach your direct and full information as you reply to me. You can also contact me with this email [deleted].

Thanks and remain bless.

Best Regards

Sandra James

Wow. Bad enough to be poisoned by your business partner. But by a co-business partner? Have to admit the offer is tempting, Sandra, but I think I'll pass....

I just love these emails: Lotto luck collecting on this winner

O Happy Day!

Here's an email I found this morning in the Second Effort mailbag. My response follows:

Ref Number: BOL/002365/12IT
BINGO ONLINE LOTTERY
VIA FELETTO 24
20100, MILAN ITALY

This is to notify you that your Email Address attached to a Ticket
Number(106012) has won an Award Sum of 500,000.00US$
(Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)
In an Email Sweepstakes program held on the 7th of July 2007.

Do contact the Details below for the Claim
BINGO ONLINE LOTTERY
mR. Phil Morris
Tel:+39 - 348 068 4885
Contact Email : philmorrisclaim@aim.com
              philmorris_online@yahoo.it

WINNING INFORMATIONS
Ref Nnumber:BOL/002365/12IT,Serial Number 005874 ,Batch Number
BL75011

Please do forward the following to the claims department below
1)YOUR FULL NAME
2) YOUR CONTACT TELEPHONE AND FAx
3) YOUR CONTACT ADDRESS
4) YOUR AGE
5) YOUR NATIONALITY

Congratulations!

SINCERLY YOURS,
MRS.ELIZ ARLEN
THE PROMOTIONAL CO-ORDINATOR

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Dear Ms. Arlen:

Thank you so much for advising me of this sudden and unexpected windfall! Why I've never even heard of the "Bingo Online Lottery" much less purchased a ticket.

How do you get a prize pool if you don't sell tickets?

Well, never mind, it's no matter how you do it -- I'm pleased to take your money either way.

Unfortunately, I'm an anonymous blogger so I couldn't reveal the information for which you ask without compromising my status.

Still, I'm sure we can work something out. My email account is with Yahoo! and they would be able to supply you with adequate assurances that the person who will arrive to pick up the $500,000 prize is, in fact, me.

Just write me back and let me know where I should go to collect, please. My lawyers and yours can work out the details of identity verification. Possibly some sort of escrow deposit?

I'll be eagerly awaiting your response.

Only I won't be holding my breath.

Very truly yours,

Curmudgeon

P.S. -- Those email addresses were connected to something when I copied your email into this post. But I disconnected them. We wouldn't want anyone else trying to claim my prize, would we?

All in good pun

Another one that I found cleaning up my email, some of them 'punched up' and (maybe) slightly improved by yours truly as an exercise.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

* * *

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

* * *

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

Didn't Monty Python use this about 30 years ago in a sketch about the ultimate killer joke of World War II? Just asking....

* * *

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

* * *

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

* * *

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

* * *

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is that common?"

"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."

For you youngsters out there... find someone to explain this one to you. Or rent Mars Attacks!

For everyone else -- see how long it takes you to get "It's Not Unusual" out of your head this morning....

* * *

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

* * *

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children were nothing to look at either.

* * *

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

* * *

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Here I believe our email circulator has left the world of puns and invaded the routines of Steven Wright.

* * *

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

* * *

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Here we've left the world of puns again. Now we've joined the first graders on the playground....

* * *

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

* * *

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

* * *

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

OK, that hurt. But it moved Tom Jones out of your head didn't it? Hello, Nat King Cole!

* * *

A poor woman has twins. Because she and her husband can't support the new children they give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; he is named "Juan." Years later, Juan seeks out his birth parents and sends a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

* * *

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

* * *

Finally, there was the person who recycled an email with 20 different puns in his blog with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in 10 did.

Post of the day?

I'm hearing Jimmy Stewart's voice on this: "Well, what do you know about that?"

Here's an email Saturday afternoon from Judd Corizan, who left a comment to Friday's post following up on the Worst 70's Song Contest:

Congratulations on your award on The Rising Blogger. It is a brand new site that awards posts, not blogs. Your post from Friday (04.13.07) won. Since we award posts, you might even win again. We ask winners to nominate a post favorite of a fellow blogger. It is not a requirement. You have won this award because we truly feel you deserve it. Great post, good job!

And he included this little button which will eventually make it into the Sidebar:

Rising Blogger is a brand new enterprise: The very nice write-up posted by Mr. Corizan concerning Second Effort is only the third entry that he's made. His profile is particularly interesting for a wannabe like me:

After some years of not helping writers develop their skills in an effort to become both successful and published, The Rising Blogger will award blog authors with potential. The Rising Blogger makes no guarantees in regards to an author not getting published. Step one is simply awarding blogs that are insightful, creative, interesting and original. We award our "Post of the Day" seven days a week. Welcome!

And he says he's in the publishing industry in New York.

Hmmmmmm. New York... publishing... I wonder if he knows Miss Snark.

Let's look at that profile again: "[He] makes no guarantees in regards to an author not getting published?" Huh?

Well, anyway, thank you Mr. Corizan -- and best of luck with your new enterprise.

Another amazing use of the cellphone

Sometimes those email jokes we all get are worth sharing.

I think this is one of those times:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

The man looks up at his astonished comrades, holds up the phone, and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

From the mailbag -- farmer jokes, little blue pills and phishing expeditions

This first item wasn't sent to me through the mail link with this blog; I got it through one of the Illinois State Bar Association listservs to which I subscribe.

Yes, it's rural humor. People forget that, in terms of area, Illinois is largely an agricultural state. You'd remember it pretty quick if you had to drive from Chicago to Champaign-Urbana, home of the University of Illinois.

And, yes, this is Southern humor as well. In Illinois, once you're south of I-80, you might as well be in the South... and that becomes more and more evident with each passing mile. I don't have a source for this piece; it was posted by a Downstate lawyer without attribution:

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Johnson, over in Hawkinsville, Georgia, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, since the covenants on the property I recently purchased restrict the raising of any farm animals for commercial purposes and specifically prohibits the raising of any hogs, I figured my place is the best farm in Georgia for not raising hogs on. Therefore I decided that I definitely want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Johnson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. By the way, I don't think I will plant any cotton, soybeans, or rice this year either, so if you have any applications for them please be so kind as to slip them into the envelope so I can look them over if it isn't too much trouble.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Sam

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

The mailbox here at Second Effort hasn't had anything that funny in it yet. I thought it amusing that "Liz Quintero" and "Rory Burnett" both wrote to tell me about the great prices for "soft tabs" of Viagra. It was certainly considerate of them to let me know about this, but I think these poor folks must have me confused with someone else.

More frightening were the messages I got from "service@paypal.com" telling me there's been some unauthorized use of my Paypal account. The email stated, "We recently noticed more [more?] attempts to log in to your PayPal account from a foreign IP address."

Forget about how many attempts have been made. There's foreigners involved. What should I do?

The email offered some helpful advice: I should click on the thoughtfully provided link and "verify" my account.

And there was a warning, too: "If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choise but to temporaly suspend your account."

Choise? Temporaly?

Hmmmmm, I thought. Those misspelled words might be a hint that this email was not entirely on the up and up. That and the fact that I do not have a Paypal account. I didn't click on the link. "eBay" was also very concerned about the unauthorized use of my account recently. I do have an eBay name... I can't remember it right now because I've not used it since I got it... but I have one. But it isn't linked to the email account to which the warning was sent.

And this week I had not one but two solicitations from the widows of slain Zimbabwean farmers who want me to help them get their money into America. I've never seen this scam use a Zimbabwean backdrop before. I begin to believe that, eventually, I will receive emails from "grieving widows" like these from every country in the entire world.

Could it be that someone is trying to obtain my personal financial information? Could my identity be at risk?

Actually, I've never been afraid of identity theft. First, who would want to steal a nom de blog? But even with my real identity, I'm not worried: Whoever takes it can't make much more of hash of it than I have.

But the sophistication of these schemes is improving: I received an email from "Bank of America" that was so convincing that, when I go into the bank later this week to pay my charge account, I'll give them the email. If it's for real, they can tell me in person; if not, they need to alert their corporate security.

In the meantime, if you'd like to submit something for the next Mailbag, or if you'd simply like to try and steal my identity along with everyone else, send me an email using the link in the Sidebar. Until then, I'll leave you with this one question:

I have a couple of Yahoo! Mail accounts. As I switch between them during the day, I often get this ad (at left) for Yahoo! Music.

The girl in the ad has headphones on and I assume her arms are raised and her eyes are closed to suggest that she is swaying in blissed out happiness to the music she legally downloaded from Yahoo! Music.

I'm sure that must have been the intention.

But I've looked at this picture a number of times a day now for sometime; it's just something that's there while I'm changing mail accounts. Look at it with me now:

Meaning no offense to the model personally, doesn't it look more like she's in a deodorant commercial than a music ad? I can almost see the thought balloon above her head: "Do I offend?"

Have you had this same thought, too?