All juiced up about the Mitchell Report?

Bee, I know you're real busy with all those appointments and getting ready for the family cruise, so I'll save you some precious time: This one is about sports, OK? But the one beneath is about bubblewrap... and you may find that more to your liking.
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I downloaded the Mitchell Report yesterday afternoon.

I can't say as I've read it yet -- it's 409 pages long, including exhibits, and I don't get paid for looking at stuff like that. But I've glanced at it, anyway, and I've listened carefully to a lot of blathering from the talking heads I saw on TV yesterday or heard on the radio this morning.

There are a lot of names named in the report: Roger Clemens, his trusty sidekick Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada.... For the record, Clemens has strongly denied any steroid use and he has never failed a drug test.

So it's the big names in the headlines and all the sanctimonious baseball writers who are publicly vowing never to vote Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens or any other actual or suspected steroid user into the Hall of Fame.

That's crazy talk.

Clemens and Bonds -- whatever their human failings -- are the ultimate stars of this era. Keeping them out of Cooperstown would be like keeping out Pete Rose.

Oh, yeah, that's right: Rose isn't in either.

Can we all take a big, deep breath here?

Yes, some big names were named. But mostly there were little names named. This article from the Chicago Tribune summarizing those named in the report who were, at some point in their careers, connected with the Chicago White Sox illustrates the point.

There's Jose Canseco, of course. That's the biggest name named, and probably also the only name connected with both the Sox and the Mitchell Report that the casual fan, not from Chicago, would know. And his involvement is no surprise, given that he's trying to make a living these days talking about his steroid use.

Or do you all claim to remember left handed pitcher Jim Parque? He was pretty good for awhile, then wasn't so good (because of arm trouble), and then he got traded to Tampa Bay and (allegedly) dabbled in HGH after the 2003 season in Tampa trying to hang on. The accusations against Scott Schoenweis are recent, so maybe that name will ring a distant bell. And you probably know Jeremy Giambi's brother -- but maybe not Jeremy.

Unless you're the sort who has gone nearly blind reading the fine print in The Sporting News every week, you almost certainly haven't heard of the other ex-Sox properties named. (For the record: Mike Bell, Randy Velarde, Marvin Bernard, Stephen Randolph. See?)

So: Some big names were named. But mostly little names.

This means one of two things -- and it might mean both of them: First, that the 'juice' is not a magic potion that will turn any marginal player into a superstar, and second, maybe the use of the 'juice' was so widespread that (from a competitive standpoint) there was a level playing field.

If the 'juice' were a magic potion, everyone named in the Mitchell Report would have been a superstar. But it's not so. Thirty years ago, if I started shooting up, I wouldn't have become a major leaguer. Because I had no talent to begin with.

Scott Schoenweis was most recently with the Mets. He went 0-2 last year, with a 5.03 ERA in 70 appearances. He's just not as talented as Roger Clemens, whether they're both 'clean' or they're both 'dirty.'

I have no problem with the calls to clean up the game, and to rigorously enforce anti-doping rules from now on. In fact, for purely personal selfish reasons, I really and truly hope they do clean up the game.

Because long-term steroid usage will mess you up. Big time. It may kill you. It will change you... and not necessarily for the better, even in the short term. And my son (Middle Son) plays college ball. I don't know that he has that mysterious combination of luck and desire and talent that will allow him to progress to the next level. He's a 6'4" lefty pitcher pitching in a Division III school (and he's not a fireballer, which makes Middle Son even more doubtful of his chances to move on -- although Mark Buerhle seems to have done alright without ever attaining high velocities....)

But I won't digress. My point is very simple: I don't want my son thinking he should try any of this junk. I don't want my son feeling any competitive pressure to try this junk. I want my son to make it, or not, and still have a long and healthy life.

I don't think that's too much to ask. But, again, let's not get all sanctimonious about it. Let's be honest, instead: The owners knew this was going on. The sportswriters knew. The fans knew. They all saw skinny kids turn into muscle-bound behemoths virtually overnight. Jose Canseco (among others) called them out on it.

I'm glad it's out now because my son (I hope) won't get caught up in it.

No asterisks. Better drug tests. Turn the page.