Friday, March 14, 2008

New toothpaste: Panacea in a tube?

A well-known toothpaste brand -- we'll call it Crust -- has almost always been in the medicine cabinet of the Curmudgeon household bathroom in one or more incarnations.

Marketing geniuses that they are, Crust had persuaded Long Suffering Spouse to buy an Anti-Cavity variety for the younger members of the family, a Whitening formula for the teens and young adults, and the Tartar Control mixture for herself and me.

I presume that one reason why Long Suffering Spouse accepted the need for multiple tubes of toothpaste was that, this way, I could squeeze my tube from the bottom and roll it up in the conventional, time-honored method, while the savage beasts, er, our children could squeeze the middle of their tube or anywhere else that struck their fancy and, as often as not, lose the cap besides.

It seems now, however, that the Crust people have created a toothpaste that may be all things to all people: Having rolled up the Tartar Control tube to the point where I was completely satisfied that none was wasted, I discovered and undertook the use of Crust's new "Pro-Health" formula.

Presumably this is more successful than their "Anti-Health" formula, but one never knows.

On the still not-yet-rolled-up tube is a lengthy list of all the things this new wonder concoction is supposed to do: It seems to offer cavity control, gum protection, teeth whitening, breath freshening, and cures for mumps, dengue fever and the yaws. I was tempted to rub a little into my increasingly large bald spot to see if it might not also prove an effective hair restorative but, alas, time was short this morning.

The new tube even has a flip-top cap that can't roll off the sink counter and behind the toilet. (Don't lie. This has happened to you, too, and you've rescued it, rinsed it -- I hope! -- and put it back on the tube without telling anyone.)

Having sampled this magical elixir this morning, I can only assume I will accomplish great things today. That sound you hear in the distance this morning may be caused by me, whooshing through the papers stacked up on my desk.


Rob said...

"Presumably this is more successful than their "Anti-Health" formula, but one never knows."

Spot on! I'm always wondering about the logic of some people who'll be sucked in by these kinds of slogans or advertising lines.

Kinda like "New and Improved." Well, which is it? Doesn't quite seem like a product could be both.

And how many nutrients do dead hair follicles need, anyway?

sari said...

My kids are HORRIBLE about squeezing the tube from the middle. We have about four different kinds of toothpaste here, too, but that's because I like mine all squeezed clean and their caps and tubes are gross. Blech!

PS the anti-health made me laugh as well.

Linda said...

Amanda lost the cap to our tube of toothpaste a few days ago and it's driving me nuts as I just can't seem to find it anywhere!

I really must run out to the store now and buy a tube of this stuff, I could use a miracle cure along with some whiter, fresher teeth!

Anonymous said...

If you believe everything you read, you would have to use 5 different types of toothpaste every morning....

We've had those flippy caps for years now, but I do remember the joys of hunting down the old ones. I can still remember metal tubes which would roll properly as well....

TroyBoy said...

What's toothpaste?

(Okay, for those of you that are still "ewwwing", that's my standard response for when I don't have anything witty to say. Okay, not "What's toothpaste", because, well, that wouldn't make much sense when discussing things like the national election or Governor Spitzer, but I would reply, "What's [insert subject name here]?".)

Note: That's the longest parenthetical phrase I've ever written. Pleased with myself, I am going to do some work now.