All signs pointing to panic

That was the cheery headline in this morning's tabloid-hearted (if not yet tabloid-sized) Chicago Tribune and it occurred to me that some of you, out there in the Blogosphere, may not know how to comport yourselves appropriately in a time of panic.

I am just the man to enlighten you. As a practicing coward, I panic many times a day... even when times are allegedly good. Lately, I've been in a state of near-constant hysteria.

It's no fun sitting next to me on the train these days, let me assure you.

Anyway, for those of you who need some help in learning how to panic, allow me to provide instruction:

First, lose that stoic disposition. This is no time for Gary Cooper.

Yup.

(Imitations lose something when reduced to writing, don't they?)

This is time for tearing hair and shrieking. That's shrieking like a doomed extra in a Godzilla movie, not like a little girl at a slumber party. Think of what the next statement on your retirement account is going to look like. Think about looking at it side by side with the statement you got at this time last year (when the stock market was at its all time high). That should put you in the proper frame of mind for really serious wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Whatever you do, don't accept comfort from anyone -- spouse, parent, child, friend -- nobody. Scream at them instead when they try and tell you things aren't so bad: "Are you crazy?" Start mumbling about living in cardboard boxes and fighting packs of stray dogs for scraps in dungheaps. If your loved ones persist in trying to offer comfort, run away: Jump into your SUV and drive one block to the nearest Starbucks and order one of those double-mocha-loco-java-jive lattes. You know, the one with foam.

Don't wipe the foam off your lips. Let people think you're foaming at the mouth. You're trying to convey panic here.

Do your best to forget that, no matter how many points are calved off the Dow Jones Average, the Sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow. Remember, it doesn't matter that this sort of thing has happened before and will happen again. It's happening right now to you doggoneit, and you want the whole world to know about it. Never mind that it's happening to all of us.

And good luck reconnecting with people when this blows over.... For people like you and me, that's not important, is it?