Answer to Saturday's No-Prize Contest

What if I gave a no-prize contest and nobody entered?

Well, you can't discourage me -- I was bound and determined to put up a couple of videos of Frank Nelson tormenting Jack Benny and so I shall.





Yes, the answer to Saturday's No Prize Contest was Frank Nelson. And now I know why I haven't had one of these contests for awhile....

You're probably at least as old as Curmudgeon if...

At least I thought you'd probably have to be at least as old as I am if you know the name of the veteran character actor to whom Jim Scancarelli is paying homage in these recent Gasoline Alley strips:

(All images obtained from the Chicago Tribune Comics Kingdom.)

Shall we make this another patented no-prize contest? (We haven't had one of those in ages.)

Anyway, a hearty handshake and virtual pat on the back goes to the reader who leaves the name of the actor in question in a comment.

I was going to offer, as an additional hint, that this actor may be most famous for torturing Jack Benny -- but, in researching this post, I found another homage to this actor in a more contemporary program -- The Simpsons.

So maybe some youngster, some mere callow youth or slip of a lass will come up with the answer. You're on the clock.

No Prize Contest: Enhance the Halloween playlist

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, time once again for the Curmudgeon's patent-pending, no-holds-barred No Prize Contest in which you, the lucky winner, should one ever actually be chosen, would win a hearty virtual handshake and an imaginary pat on the back.

At least you won't have to declare that on your taxes.

Today's contest concerns Halloween music.

Many of you will be going to or hosting Halloween parties this weekend and next and, you'll be wondering... what music should we play?

Don't be misled by the music you're hearing at the local mall these October days: "Jingle Bells" and "Sleigh Ride" are not recognized Halloween anthems.

And you just can't play Michael Jackson's "Thriller" all night -- no matter how much you like the Vincent Price rap.

Your party will be a "graveyard smash" the first time you bring out Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash."

And maybe even the second time, too.

But it will be a short party if all you have are two tunes on the playlist.

Ray Parker, Jr.'s theme for the movie Ghostbusters will, you should pardon the expression, spark some life into your party.

But then what?

What other creepy, kooky, scary songs for Halloween are there?

And, now, you have the premise of today's little exercise.

Scary, scary witches are appropriate for Halloween... though perhaps not the soundtrack of either Wicked or The Wizard of Oz.

How about Redbone's "Witch Queen of New Orleans?" Or Donovan's "Season of the Witch?" I would include the Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra singing "Witchcraft." (I don't think that this should be "strictly taboo" -- c'mon, admit it, you're starting to hum along now, aren't you?)

But that's still not enough music for your party no matter how strong the punch, right?

So... how about "Midnight Stroll" by the Revels?

Just got off from work, it was awful late
I had to pass the cemetery gate
The sky was dark and the moon was bright
It was a very, very, cold, cold night
I never thought I could see such a sight
A poor soul doing the dead mans stroll...

Wikipedia confirms, believe it or not, that this charted in 1959.

There are the "Teenage Tragedy" songs... like Ray Peterson's "Tell Laura I Love Her."

Cruising the Internet this morning, I found this video of Jumpin' Gene Simmons 1964 classic, "Haunted House." Now for all of us old enough to remember 45 RPM records this is, possibly, the most boring video ever:


Yes, we merely see the record playing.

Of course, the young people may be fascinated to see an actual demonstration of an ancient and rapidly vanishing technology. And, if one of your kids or grandkids has the nerve to actually say something like that to you, I hope you'll smack 'em one for me, too.

Anyway... now it's your turn. Who can come up with the best additions to this playlist?

Please note: I am not asking for songs that are scary because they're awful. This immediately excludes the catalogs of both Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner. Put that out of your mind entirely.

And please remember, the decision of the judges (well, judge, since I'll decide this contest, if at all, entirely on my own) will be final and may be arbitrary and capricious.

Trick or treat.

I need a new word: A new no prize contest

It is becoming increasingly inaccurate to use the word "teenager" to describe my children: One is 24, another 23, another will turn 21 in a couple of months.

Only Younger Daughter and Youngest Son remain securely within the literal meaning of that term.

But... although the older ones do show signs of adult behavior, they also from time to time continue to display distinctly teen-like mannerisms. Which is OK... most people really don't grow up overnight. Long Suffering Spouse might tell you that I sometimes behave childishly... but that's another story.

I need a word to describe my post-teens... preferably one that could include the actual teens as well.

Adolescent seems a possible candidate. From Dictionary.com and the American Heritage Dictionary:

The words adolescent and adult ultimately come from forms of the same Latin word, adolēscere, meaning "to grow up." The present participle of adolēscere, adolēscēns, from which adolescent derives, means "growing up," while the past participle adultus, the source of adult, means "grown up."

In the waning days of the Roman Republic the term adolēscēns could mean anyone who had not yet begun his ascension up the cursus honorum -- so a young Roman nobleman in his late 20s or even early 30s might, in Roman eyes, be considered an "adolescent." (See, Marc Antony.)

Talk about your extended adolescence....

But using "adolescent" to describe not-yet-fully-independent post-teens would change, if slightly, the common, presently understood meaning of the word. Such seemingly minor changes can lead to all sorts of major problems. (See, "marriage.")

So my present inclination would be to find another word. A new word. "Tweeners" or "tweens" comes to mind -- as in describing the state between teenagerhood and adulthood -- but these terms seem to be already in use for describing that period after the five or ten minutes presently alloted for innocent childhood and the beginning of teenager status. These terms seem to refer to girls, mostly, many of them apparently with aliases or secret identities. (See, Hannah Montana and/or Miley Cyrus.)

I thought about "beerager" as a possibility -- but that could be seen as pejorative and certainly would not include everyone in that age group anyway. "Extendeds" is probably my leading candidate -- short for extended adolescence -- and not, so far as I know, already taken.

But I'm open for suggestion... which is why I hereby announce another of my famous, likely-to-amount-to-nothing-at-all no prize contests. Give me your best word to describe that period in a person's life between the end of one's teens and the full assumption of adult responsibilities. Or tell me why I should stick with one of my proposed choices.

The winner will receive no prize other than the possible (though unlikely) esteem and awe of his or her blogging peers and my gratitude for participating.

Snappy comebacks to cheesy pick-up lines

A new patent-pending No Prize Contest inspired by this site that I stumbled upon. A few of my favorites (lightly edited):

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both.
Man: Huh?
Woman: You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Correct! But there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the ends of the Earth for you.
Woman: Sure, but would you stay there?

Get the idea?

Come up with the lame pick-up line and the devastating putdown.

The best entry will receive a prize of absolutely no monetary value whatsoever, but will receive a hearty virtual handshake and an Internet pat on the back.

Happy 39th, Jack

I found this picture of Jack Benny with another of my comedy heroes, Fred Allen, at the International Jack Benny Fan Club. If you've never heard of Fred Allen... well, in feuding with network VP's, David Letterman was virtually channeling Allen for years. Benny's "feud" with Fred Allen provided radio listeners with some wonderfully funny moments... and you can read some of the scripts in Allen's book, Treadmill to Oblivion.

This wasn't the picture I was searching for initially. I was looking for stills from Jack Benny's "To Be Or Not To Be" -- and from the later Mel Brooks version -- so that I could properly acknowledge Patti, of Late Bloomer Boomer, for her splendid victory in my recent pop quiz. Patti knew immediately that Brooks remade "To Be Or Not To Be" -- this was before he figured out that it was even easier to remake his own material....

So, Patti, consider this your hearty virtual handshake and pat on the back. And, for anyone who happens by, as an extra added bonus, let me direct you to a Jack Benny post by famous blogger, TV writer and director, playwright, ex-baseball announcer and rock 'n' roll DJ, Ken Levine: In this August 2007 post, Mr. Levine recounts how he passed up a Beatles concert in 1965 so he could see Benny perform at the Sahara Hotel in Vegas.

Bee wins the prize in yesterday's no-prize contest

Empress Bee was the first to correctly respond that dihydrogen monoxide is just a roundabout way of saying "water."

Perhaps just as important, no one got the answer wrong --

So: A hearty handshake and virtual pat on the back goes out across the ether to the Empress Bee. And thanks also to Katherine, Ladeedah, Barb, and Fran for participating. And give extra credit points to Fran for explaining the answer... and for revealing how she 'pranks' (the young people have turned this into a verb) her grandchildren by making up stories that play on their gullibility... then 'fessing up... and thereby teaching the grandkids to be less gullible.

The perils of dihydrogen monoxide?

Stumbled across this at this site. I assumed that the story was invented; however, according to Snopes.com, this story is true!

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

* Forty-three (43) said yes,
* Six (6) were undecided,
* Only one (1) knew [what "dihydrogen monoxide" really is].

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

The author of the petition was Nathan Zohner and this project was a prize winner in 1997.

Zohner was apparently not the first to try and wring some laughter out of the perils of dihydrogen monoxide; Scopes says Zohner's project was based on a bogus report that was already making the rounds on the Internet.

And there may still be people falling for this bit. In fact, Snopes tells how one California municipality, Aliso Viejo, in Orange County, actually scheduled a vote at a March 2004 City Council meeting on an ordinance that would have banned the use of foam containers at city-sponsored events. Among the reasons cited for the proposed ban was that foam containers are made with dihydrogen monoxide -- "DHMO, a substance that could 'threaten human health and safety.'"

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No Prize Contest: The first person to correctly identify the common name of dihydrogen monoxide in the Responses section will be acknowledged in a separate post and will also receive a hardy, if virtual, handshake and pat on the back.

Old Business -- Follow up on our Name the Worst 70's Song NO PRIZE Contest

Two weeks ago I solicited your suggestions for the worst 70's song -- ever.

The contest pulled in 32 comments -- not all of them my own -- and a number of interesting (i.e., cringe-worthy) nominations.

As promised, absolutely no prizes will be awarded, but... let's acknowledge our participants, shall we?

Claire got so far into the spirit of the proceedings that she posted a William Shatner video on her own site. This has prompted me to announce a new rule: No more Shatner music videos. Fortunately, Claire will be too busy campaigning for her own Blogger's Choice Award that she is unlikely to take offense at this... or even notice. (I do hope she'll see this eventually, however, and tell me what "shirty" means.)

Special mention must also be made of the Empress Bee's contributions to the discussion. She didn't nominate any song -- but she was unapologetic about saying that she liked Cher. Twice.

Even in this outfit, Bee?

Patti of Late Boomer Bloomer made multiple nominations, as did Linda of Are We There Yet? and Hilda of The Mind Wobbles. Yesterday Hilda posted a blogging birthday card to David Cassidy. (She says he's 57! Yikes.)

I would make some mean-spirited snide remark about this... except I kind of liked Susan Dey when I was that age, too... *Sigh.*

Sari, of The Geek Inside provided one of the inspirations for the post and made significant contributions to the discussion that followed. And the contest brought in two new contributors, Lynn of A Tired Mama and Dave, a lawyer from Atlanta -- and the proprietor of Rather Than Working.

Also participating were Landgirl (of Home in the Highlands), SQT, and Captain Picard, Dr. (Don't Try to Take Me to a Disco) Anonymous, Barb (of Skittles fame), Shelby, and Mary Anne.

I think that covers everyone -- except for RT of Untwisted Vortex, who didn't actually leave a comment... but did do a "Blog Drive By" in which, thankfully, no one was injured.

(So I can't award prizes -- but I can supply a little "link love" -- right, Chris?)

Oh -- and the "winning" song?

Well, there was no clear winner... but there was a strong consensus for Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life."

It's in your head now, isn't it?

Happy Friday the 13th.

New NO PRIZE contest: Name the worst 70's song EVER

Sari, of The Geek Inside, inadvertently inspired this with a Friday shuffle post. I've noticed a lot of these in my travels -- seven songs, or 10, or a dozen -- some number of tunes that you're listening to right now.

But what about songs that make you queasy all over... that make your flesh crawl... that make you look for a blunt object to smash the radio with? There are bad songs in any era; as near as I can tell, bad and worse have cornered the contemporary market.

But the 70's were a Golden Era of horrible songs... and Sari mentioned one of them today: "Hooked on a Feeling" by Blue Swede (not Blue Suede, Sari).... Hooogashaka! Hoogashaka! Hoogah -- hoogah -- hogashakah! At least Bob Sirott had great fun with that awful intro during the afternoons on WLS. (I believe the accompanying photo of Mr. Sirott was taken shortly after his bar mitzvah.)

It's so easy to cite horrible songs from the 70's -- anything by Cher, for example (although... at the time... and remember I was young... I kind of liked "Half Breed" or "Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves.") I always hated "Rock On" by David Essex -- yet it's still in heavy rotation on oldies stations across the country today. And anything by Tony Orlando and/or Dawn or by Donny and/or Marie are just too, too easy.

So the foregoing aren't truly bad enough, people. We are looking for real, awful, terrifyingly bad tunes. Here are some of my suggestions. After you take your anti-nausea meds, come back in the comments and add your own nominees. Let's strive for consensus here, people!

• Seasons in the Sun -- performed Terry Jacks -- by Jacques Brel, translated into English by Rod McKuen. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun... the heck we did!


• One Tin Soldier -- performed by Coven -- from the movie "Billy Jack."




• Alone Again, Naturally -- performed by Gilbert O'Sullivan. A lovely ditty about a man threatening suicide. So jump already! But no! He had to stand up there whining about how miserable he was, making us all miserable in the process....
  


• Spiders and Snakes -- performed by Jim Stafford. And she said, "I don't like spiders and snakes/And that ain't what it takes to love me..." Whatever it would have taken, however little it might have been, just would not have been worth it....


• The Night Chicago Died -- performed by Paper Lace. How this became a hit in Chicago, I'll never understand: Daddy was a cop/On the East Side of Chicago/ Back in the USA/ Back in the bad old days. Um, the East Side of Chicago is called "Lake Michigan." (When distinguished from the rest of the South Side, Hegewisch and surrounding environs would be considered the Southeast Side.)
  

OK, folks, now it's your turn: Do your worst!

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Additional inspiration for this post, as well as the Sirott baby picture, were found at WLS Musicradio The Big 89 -- a history of the Chicago station during the 1970's.

A Chicago Quiz -- or -- Maybe I'm not so old, after all

Shel, from Musings of a Phenomenal Webmistress sent me this quiz. I had some fun answering the questions that I could -- there were a few on which I had no clue whatsoever, and on others I made some bad guesses.

My score, according to the answers Shel sent with, was 28 out of 40 -- only 70% -- although I dispute one of the stated answers.

I'll post those answers this afternoon. Stay tuned... and see how you fare in the meantime.

And, yes, this quiz is very locally focused. But if Chicago gets the 2016 Olympics you'll be looking for Chicago material... and here it is.




Old Time Chicago Quiz

(1) Name all five of Riverview's roller coasters.

(2) What was the former name of Martin Luther King Drive?


(3) How many times was Richard J. Daley elected mayor?

(4) Identify any two of the candidates who ran against Richard J. Daley for mayor.

(5) What is an alewife? (Hint: It's not a spouse that tipples.)


(6) What did Jack Brickhouse yell when the Cubs hit a home run?

(7) Name, in order, the three papers Mike Royko wrote for.

(8) What gasoline chain had Dino the Dinosaur as a mascot?



(9) Which of Bill Veeck's legs was the peg-leg?

(10) Identify Resurrection Mary.

(11) Why was 1340 North State Parkway a famous address?

(12) Who was Uncle Johnny Coons?

(13) What car dealer was the "Home of the Backward K?"

(14) Name the announcer of TV bowling at Faetz-Niesen.

(15) What was a Green Hornet? (Hint: It's not the guy in the mask.)

(16) Where were the Stock Yards located?

(17) What type of store was Morris B. Sachs?

(18) When he wasn't doing Riverview commercials, what was Two-Ton Baker's profession?

(19) What Catholic archbishop has a suburb named after him?

(20) What business had the phone number MOhawk 4-4100?

(21) Identify one Chicago street that was part of U.S. Route 66. (It winds from Chicago to L.A./ More than 2,000 miles on the way/ Get your kicks/ On Route 66....)

(22) Name the sponsor of TV wrestling who was killed by an unhappy customer.

(23) What was the last home stadium of the Chicago Cardinals? (Yes, this is the same franchise that is now the Arizona Cardinals, coached this past season by former Northwestern and Minnesota Vikings Coach Dennis Green. They didn't do well in Chicago either. And they're still owned by the Bidwill family.)

(24) Name one locally-brewed Chicago beer. (Recent brew-pubs do not count!)

(25) Before Circle, where was the Chicago campus of the University of Illinois?

(26) Where did the Beatles perform on their first trip to Chicago?

(27) Which defunct grocery chain gave S & H Green Stamps?

(28) Name the boxing champ who gave his name to a local milk company.

(29) Where was the Army Induction Center located?

(30) How many inches of snow fell in the January 1967 blizzard?

(31) Who wore an Uncle Sam suit, and was always a losing candidate for public office? (I've given this away in a past entry.)

(32) What public building was often called simply "Eleventh and State?"

(33) Where did Andy the Clown hang out?

(34) Name the TV show that was the source of the local catch-phrase: "Right Here, Harv."

(35) Who were the Lincoln Park Pirates?

(36) What was the old name of the Brown Line 'L?

(37) Where was Skip's located?

(38) What do the call letters of Channel 11 (WTTW) stand for?

(39) Where was Skid Row?

(40) Name two Illinois governors who served time in prison. (George Ryan doesn't count because, though sentenced to jail, he's free pending the outcome of his appeal.)

I warned you that some of these are extremely local... but see how you fare or pass it along to a Chicagoan, ex-Chicagoan or Chicagoan wannabe in your life.

Younger Daughter wonders why I don't let her drive

Part of the problem, as I've mentioned in other contexts, is that I have an imagination.

And it's not bad enough that I have an imagination. People like Chris, from Thermal, post items on their blogs and I stop by... and follow the indicated link -- in all innocence -- and find pictures like this one.

But let's have some fun with this. How about a caption contest? Absolutely no prizes of any value will be awarded but your creativity will be on display for all your fellow denizens of the Blogosphere to see and enjoy. As always, keep it clean.

I'll start:

You said you wanted a side door. Now you've got your #$%@!! side door.

-- or --

(I'm hearing Wally Cox or Wallace Wimple from Fibber McGee & Molly as I'm writing this.) Sweetie? Um, Sweetums? I don't think this is a drive through.