Newt Gingrich needs a map -- and, no, this post is not political

Honest.

It's just that (according to the caller ID) Newt2012 keeps calling my house, sometimes more than once a day. I haven't answered, nor will I, and the ex-Speaker never leaves a message.

Now the Iowa caucuses are coming up soon and I understand Mr. Gingrich is hoping to do well there.

But Mr. Gingrich, please: I live in Illinois, not far from the shores of Lake Michigan. Iowa is a good three hours away, on the other side of the Mississippi River. As a native Chicagoan, I've never voted in a Republican primary in my life. (All the action is in the Democratic primary 'round here. A very Republican, conservative, suburban cousin of mine recently excused me to friends of his: "He's from Chicago. He has to be a Democrat. It's not his fault.)

But, actually, even when I was young, and lived in Boondockia with my folks for awhile, I still voted in the Democratic primary. That way I could look at the local paper the week after the primary and see if the election authorities tallied my vote correctly. (On a 'per thousand' basis, there were about as many Democrats in Boondockia as there are Republicans here in Chicago.)

So: If Mr. Gingrich is calling to get me to go to a caucus for him, he's geographically confused. If he's calling me for money, he's really confused. If he's calling to make a provisional offer for me to be Ambassador to Whatchamacallitstan or Assistant Deputy Undersecretary in the Department of Putting Things on Top of Other Things should he be elected, I wish he'd leave a message. I'm not holding my breath.