Monday, August 27, 2012

Older Daughter to try again: Insult and injury and -- maybe -- motherhood?

Third time's the charm?

Older Daughter has decided she will try IVF again. Her husband, Hank, is not overly enthused.

It's not that he's lost his desire for children -- it's just -- well, the clinic that is providing this service for them entered into a 'three times and you're out' contract. After three tries, if no baby is produced, the clinic must provide a (partial) refund. (The refund would be a portion of the fee charged for implantation itself. The vast fortunes sunk into medications of one kind or another are not included in this refund policy at all.) Hank is looking forward and seeing the abyss. Older Daughter sees it, too, but her sister will soon have a baby -- all her friends are having babies -- she wants a baby. She wants a baby desperately.

The one thing the clinic is absolutely certain of is that neither of the two past failures were its fault. They are equally certain that Older Daughter is to blame.

The first time... well, there weren't enough eggs. She should have responded more to the egg-producing stimulation. But, that's OK, now that they knew Older Daughter did not respond properly to their perfectly correct medicine, they promised to increase her dosage (and hope her ovaries didn't explode -- no, seriously, they warned her that was a possibility -- and then they told her that she has to calm down in order to get pregnant).

When she still failed to "catch," the clinic was at first uncertain what to say. They'd have to look back at the data, they said.

They eventually decided two more things were wrong with Older Daughter.

First, she had a "little" endometriosis. But that was alright -- for another fee, and just a little post-surgical pain, they could remove that. At least temporarily.

Most recently, Older Daughter having recovered from the surgery and having recovered her willingness to endure the medications, shots, swelling, discomfort and other aspects of the procedure, the clinic told her she failed last time because she had "old eggs."

She's 28.

These are pirates. Cruel, sadistic pirates. And, now they've knocked her down again so low, they'll begin building her hopes up, little by little, to the point where she will go ahead with the procedure and....

Well, who knows what will happen?

Long Suffering Spouse has quoted statistics to me about infertility recently -- one in eight couples, she says, have trouble conceiving. At her Catholic school (and, remember, IVF is frowned upon by the Church) several of her students were produced by IVF. "You go through all of this," she said recently, "you spend mountains of money, you endure pain, humiliation, fear and if you finally do have a baby -- well, is it any wonder there are so many helicopter parents?"

I'm sure she's on to something.

As usual.


Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

sending up good thoughts for this time. i cannot know how this feels but it can't be good. hug her for me...

smiles, bee

Anonymous said...

I so hope it works this time for them. How does all this effect younger daughter? I worry it takes away from her happiness of soon becoming a mother and having a sweet baby of her own. I hope that older daughter doesn't resent her sister over all this. Its a very sad situation you all are in. How do you find a balance? Sending Prayers to all your family and hope that you find great happiness in the new life that will soon become a big part of your life and hoping that in 9 months (plus) you will also be welcoming another new life.

Frizzy said...

I've been through this. It is debilitating, especially when you have to maintain some grace while someone else has their unplanned baby in your face. In my case, a girl in my brother-in-law's office with whom he was having an affair while his wife was going through IVF. He'd been taking hormones for fertility himself, and guess who got pregnant first? She won the sweepstakes, he got divorced and married her, and they brought in the first grandchild (a boy, too so we never heard the end of it).

All of that said, after four and a half years of what they euphemistically call "trying," my husband and I both did acupuncture for four months Unlike the so-called real medical stuff, it can't hurt you and it can help.

I recommend acupuncture. And all the sensitive support you can give her under the complicated circumstances.

The Curmudgeon said...

Anon -- So far Older Daughter is handling her sister's pregnancy well. She has called 'dibs' on being godmother, though, and that's not really her call to make. How do we find a balance? Long Suffering Spouse and I walk on eggshells a lot; she cries more than I do.

Frizzy -- Older Daughter's tried acupuncture, too. I'm glad it worked in your case -- but it didn't work for her. On the other hand, hers wasn't nearly as long a course of treatment and her husband wasn't part of that. His and her needles? Yikes.

I'm really looking forward to... bingo. However it works.

Frizzy, too said...

Yes, his and hers needles. This thing does take two, you know.

By the way, I welcomed my nephew heartily from the start, whatever I think of his parents, and have always been there for him. In fact, he called an hour after I put the last post up, which made me jump a little. His ears must have been burning.

When he was 10, I took him to the Sierras and told him to put down the gameboy and look around at the mountains for entertainment. Now he is majoring in environmental studies at my husband's alma mater. I like to think that is our combined influence, and I would be honored if it was.

You will all get there from here.